When All Else Fails - Bleach Fanfic - OneShot

[makuyi]

When All Else Fails

Summary: When the Squads get bored one night –and drunk- who do they Prank Call? Aizen himself! Crack fic.

Rated: Teen

A/N: This wasn’t my idea. I blame this all on a friend on a Bleach RPG forum. Check it out.

rukongaigangs.proboards.com

Boredness. How could Soul Reapers overcome such a thing? Certainly not by fighting each other…or fighting Hollows…or getting drunk…what about…

Prank calls?

Rolling over, Matsumoto smiled slap-happy at her Captain. Even little Captain Hitsugaya was drunk, and Kami knew he never drank. Renji had tossed his cookies a long time ago and now laid under the Captain’s desk. Ikkaku sat in a corner, snoring, and Kira had fallen asleep on the floor. A few other Soul Reapers lay about; what a large party they had.

“Captain…I just of something.” The white-haired Captain rubbed his temples, hating the sound of her voice.

“What?” His voice cracked and Matsumoto chuckled, her face flushed red from the Sake.

“What if…we prank call Aizen?” A sblack person escaped her lips, waking Renji.

“What the hell, Matsumoto? I was sleeping the crap you gave us, off!” His loud voice then woke many others in the room. Soon, everyone was awake, and quite cranky.

“What if we prank call Aizen?” Matsumoto pressed as everyone sat in a circle.

“Aizen?” Everyone repeated, their eyes wide.

“Yes!” Matsumoto said; another giggle stifled.

“Let’s get that son of a pregnant dog.” Renji suddenly said, smirking. Everyone in the room grinned like wildcats. Even Captain Hitsugaya looked intrigued by the thought.

“Wait, what’s the number?” Of course, Kira, the logical one, had to point out the obvious bad facts.

“1-800-Aizen-01” Matsumoto responded. “Haven’t you seen the commercials?” Kira shook his blond head, confused, but went along with it.

“Okay, let’s try.” Renji picked up Hitsugaya’s phone and dialed the number. “It’s dialing.” He told them quickly.

“Hello?” A slick, all-too familiar voice responded. It was none other then…Aizen.

“Do ya sell pizza?” Renji put on a voice that sounded like a bad, mixed-up mob/gangster member.

“Excuse me?” Aizen, in the mean time, looked absolutely confused. He motioned to Gin, who stood not too far back from him. Holding his hand over the speaker, he gave him an odd look. “I just got asked by some moron with a bad accent if we sell pizza.” Gin also looked puzzled, and shrugged.

Aizen cough, turning back and picking the phone up again. “Uh, we do not.”

“Okay.” With that, a click was heard. Had THE GREAT AND WONDERFUL Aizen been hung up on? What was coming to this world?!

Snickers persons. “Let’s call and tell them that they haven’t paid the bill in quite awhile.” Renji once more dialed the phone and handed it to Matsumoto; the idea was hers, after all.

“Hello?” Aizen was wondering who was calling now. Please let it not be the same moron from just moments ago.

“Hello!” Matsumoto’s preppy voice scared the man, yet of course, even though he was an evil genius, Aizen had no idea who it was.

“Was there something you needed?” He asked, coughing again.

“Well, sir, you see, you haven’t paid your bill in quite awhile. I’m afraid we’re going to have to cut your phone, your power, your electricity…and if you don’t pay up…you’ll be evicted.” Aizen dropped the phone.

“GIN! I TOLD YOU TO PAY THE BILLS! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO WRONG?!” Gin was nowhere to be seen, and Aizen was left with the buck being passed to him.

“Excuse me,” Aizen said in a sickly-sweet voice, “but I believe we’ve paid our bills. There must be some mistake.”

“Honey, this is fifty dollars a minutes for this call. Don’t you ever dial the right number for long-distance?”

“You called me! And FIFTY DOLLARS?!” Aizen was outraged to say the least; who said the Government had control over Los Noches??

“So? And you have to pay up. You’ll be evicted tomorrow.” With that, Matsumoto hung up, leaving Aizen looking like he had just been shocked by an electric eel.

And while Aizen keeled over from a heart-attack, the people in the Soul Society were laughing at the news of Aizen being prank called. Who know such an evil mastermind could be bought so easily?

-

“Aizen?” Tousen walked into the room where they watched all of Los Noches and had their main phone line. Now, being blind, Tousen failed to see his comrade lying on the floor, twitching. Kicking something hard, Tousen frowned. “Aizen?” He repeated.

Thusly he stepped on Aizen’s face and Aizen’s scream was muffled. Tousen blinked his non-seeing eyes. “What was that noise?”

“Hey Tousen, ya find Aizen?” Gin cut off when he saw Tousen standing on Aizen’s near-lifeless body. He began snickering uncontrollably and it soon turned into loud laughter when Tousen looked at him strangely.

“What is it, Gin?”

“I’ll order Aizen’s tombstone tomorrow…” Gin said, walking off with a grin stretching from ear to ear on his face. Tousen tilted his head, still confused.

Below him, Aizen was turning blue.

~Cat